وقلت من جديد :ليس عندي فرح أعلنه ..
فتنحى عن طريقي..
تحطم القنديل الصغير..
وتكسرت الشموع ..
ليس عندي فرح أجمعه..
صدقوني..متعب أنا
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
Monday, May 15, 2006
Thursday, May 04, 2006
"Too much make up you are using today" he said
Well- i didn't feel that it was so, or that i meant to when i was getting ready to the concert.
Then I asked my self: is it a mask to hide my face?
Am I using colors to hide the sadness in my face and drive them gaze at the bright colors instead of the bale and dark colors in my eyes?
i knew that it was so clear in my eyes and all can read it easily!!!
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
حبيبتي رحلت
حبيبتي رحلت
كزجاجة عطر تتكسر...رحلت
كـأقول بروج تتلألأ...رحلت
كقصيدة شعر ما اكتملت...رحلت
كنسائم أيار الرائعة...رحلت
كالامواج تنحسر عن شاطئها...رحلت
كرمال تنساب من ساعاتي...رحلت
رحلت حبيبتي...رحلت
كزجاجة عطر تتكسر...رحلت
كـأقول بروج تتلألأ...رحلت
كقصيدة شعر ما اكتملت...رحلت
كنسائم أيار الرائعة...رحلت
كالامواج تنحسر عن شاطئها...رحلت
كرمال تنساب من ساعاتي...رحلت
رحلت حبيبتي...رحلت
Sunday, April 30, 2006
keep it
When it's so blank and I'm washed away into oceans of different feelings, all I think about is listening to you talking and watching you moving around slowly, working o ur computer, heading to the fridge, back with a glass of water, pause then sit again and resume work.
I love watching you and hearing you talking even if I'm not listening just your voice flow.
I love watching you and hearing you talking even if I'm not listening just your voice flow.
Saturday, April 29, 2006
Friday, April 28, 2006
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
Never Leave Me
You promised me not to be Brad and not to make me Elian but you lied again and again.
You are Bard and I will end up Elain.
You are Bard and I will end up Elain.
Sunday, April 23, 2006
am i big enough to go ahead and forget?
i won't stop at the bad things it's time to remember all the good things, good times, happiness, joy, help you gave me.
i will always remember that you were always there for me, supported me always.
i will always remember how much close we were and how happy I'm to have you next to me for a while.
i will always celebrate March 14th
first Asem and now Luai though he promised not to die and leave me alone
Who sets that policy and insures applying it?
Who says that we should lose to feel the value of what we lost
Am I paying back?
Once a guy who just met me read my hand palm and told me that I will choose losing and I will grieve till my life ends. I chose losing? He chose losing? But I lost.
The first part of the omen is fulfilled will I live the second? I don't want I wish I can take it out and just forget how feelings feel.
Wednesday, April 12, 2006
yalla come back Asem
Almost forty days…Asem didn’t pass by the office, I’m not sure if he’s ok…his phone is turned off… maybe we should call him home.
Today is his first memorial… then he has gone!!! It’s true? No I still feel him around, I’m not sad and why should I? Asem is gonna show up this afternoon at his memorial and he will help us preparing to the event, rush to the auditorium with his Camera, this will help him to lose few grams.
Today is his first memorial… then he has gone!!! It’s true? No I still feel him around, I’m not sad and why should I? Asem is gonna show up this afternoon at his memorial and he will help us preparing to the event, rush to the auditorium with his Camera, this will help him to lose few grams.
Nothing can be said but I’m sure it’s all about me and you…all of you made of nothing… leads to nothing and absolutely fills no place…
We walk and the wind blows the prints away… when you think you might be there the mirror reflects nothing but the scene behind you and you keep staring, looking for your face and this shows a better and clearer image of the scene behind you till you forget that you are looking for you in that image and you admire the beauty behind if it exists.
Time passes and you faint.
We walk and the wind blows the prints away… when you think you might be there the mirror reflects nothing but the scene behind you and you keep staring, looking for your face and this shows a better and clearer image of the scene behind you till you forget that you are looking for you in that image and you admire the beauty behind if it exists.
Time passes and you faint.
Monday, April 10, 2006
I do
No love no glory…
No hero in her skies…
I can't take my mind of you
The ultimate happiness can be blown away with one word, and then a stream of memories.
Very busy days can't take my thoughts somewhere else, I did my best I worked and dedicated my self to many things hoping to forget and to see happiness in other eyes, still can't take it out of my mind.
Still I don't know is it a destiny or punishment.
I will go to Cairo for 8 days next month, was so happy almost flying, then all of a sudden I thought will it taste the same? Smell the same?
Alone
Sad
Worried
Not sure of any thing
Missing my self
And maybe happy
No hero in her skies…
I can't take my mind of you
The ultimate happiness can be blown away with one word, and then a stream of memories.
Very busy days can't take my thoughts somewhere else, I did my best I worked and dedicated my self to many things hoping to forget and to see happiness in other eyes, still can't take it out of my mind.
Still I don't know is it a destiny or punishment.
I will go to Cairo for 8 days next month, was so happy almost flying, then all of a sudden I thought will it taste the same? Smell the same?
Alone
Sad
Worried
Not sure of any thing
Missing my self
And maybe happy
Sunday, March 19, 2006
He told me
Long time we didn’t talk me and Hamza, today we did we played games and discussed many things, catched up with each other’s news.
He said: “Do you know what I love about you the most? That you love people the way they are with out any preferences”
He said: “Do you know what I love about you the most? That you love people the way they are with out any preferences”
Sunday, March 12, 2006
Still No One Sent Me The Message
It was Thursday 9 pm when Hani called me, started by apologizing for calling me that late, he said it’s urgent “look Yusra I’m sorry to call that late, but Asem passed away” I didn’t believe what he said, I repeated the same question many time: “are you sure? Are you at the hospital?”
He’s dead, still I can’t believe it, I called Ala’ to make sure, he was crying, I asked him to figure out how true is the news I received, I called Mira… no one told her, Ala sent her a message saying that Asem is in danger, I told her he’s dead.
She couldn’t believe, she said: “you are mistaken Ala’ said he’s just in danger.” I repeated what Hani told me many times without understanding what I’m saying, and then I kept calling all Zajel’s hoping that one of them tells me it’s fake. And messaging all the international friends who knew Asem: “Asem passed away”
Shawn was the first one to SMS me back.
I kept waiting a call to tell me that it was all a mistake and he’s alive. No one did yet.
I cried and paused and waited and discussed, I couldn’t sleep.
Ian sent me a message: “very sad…what can we say? What can we know? Who next? It could be us. This alone is reason enough to fight sadness with all our strength.”
I always liked your words, and how you evaluate and describe things, but this time your words were pale and week, less than the situation, or the situation was bigger than words.
What sadness? That I lost Asem, I just want him back I don’t want to fight any thing, I just want Asem back, I want Luai back, he’s mine I can’t see him with any one else, how can I fight sadness and I lost you-Ian!!!
10, 11, 12, 1. 2 was the last number I read on my watch. I think I fill asleep, at 4 I woke up again, I called Luai, the phone rang four times, it seems he’s asleep, I hanged up, seconds later he called, he said he wasn’t asleep, I told him, he never heard of Asem he didn’t know what to say, I told him I’m going to Hebron, he said: I might get engaged. I paused, my voice changed, he felt what is inside, I protested, refused to believe, asked him to repeat it many times, and then it’s true.
I asked “why?”
He said: I’m bored”
“Then go for a walk!”
I’m going crazy, “I don’t care I said, go marry her”, I lied, he knew.
“You are the first thing I told her about”
“What did you tell her?”
“Every thing”
“What did she say?”
“Nothing!”
I know we are in love-more than in love, I know I wasn’t better than him, I know that I want him and he wants me, I know that I breathe his love, I know that I can’t survive if he’s not on the same surface with me.
He’s not mine now but Asem is dead, he said cry, I said: “ma beddi, ana bedi Asem back”, it was a nice night with two deep injuries, and I was bleeding.
We talked and talked, we revised all our memories, he asked me to send him a kiss, I refused, he asked me again, I did, many strange feelings.
He questioned me about Ian, he wanted to know all the details of the relation we had, I did, I answered all his questions unconsciously, and I asked him: “why are you doing this? It’s not funny!!”
“I want to know”
“You are making all the beautiful memories I have with him seem ugly, I don’t want to continue this”
He responded.
Mean while I said “have to hang up the phone I must get ready, I’m going to Hebron in an hour” he begged me “don’t go, too dangerous”, I said “no I want to go”
I lied; I told him its work, while it was a choice.
“Take care” he said.
In my way to Hebron, in the bus, they are all talking, shouting and singing, I and Ala are messaging
“I’m at the hospital, we will burry him today”
“Are you sure he’s dead? Please find out and tell me, his smiley face still in my mind”
“He’s cold, I’m in the morgue, I kissed him, and he’s cold, once we had a friend called Asem”
I cried silently.
“We are walking towards Hwara check point to bury him in his Village”
“Why? Don’t!!! he would be alone there, all his friends and family are here”
“This is his family will”
“The Israelis stopped us, they detained his brothers”
“Still detained? Tell me? Did they let you pass?”
“We crossed Hwara, we are heading to his village”
A while later, Jalal called, he was crying, I also asked him again if Asem is dead, I asked him to pass him my salam and that I missed him already.
I cried again silently, I was sitting by the window, turned my face to face the window, we were entering Hebron then, at its checkpoint, a soldier was staring at me, and I stared back; crying.
Tomorrow we will go to Ramallah-five day’s course, Mira, Ala and me, Ala doesn’t want to come, Mira is not sure, me and Mira decided to go later, we can share the pain, we did.
At the Red Crescent car I saw Ala standing in a long queue to reach the soldier on Hwara check point, Mira is a head in the women queue, I passed, I arrived to Ramallah at 9:20, the course started at 9, I went to the bank, to withdraw money, the system is changed, come tomorrow, I went to the seminar at Best Eastern hotel.
The day was good, Mira was there already, Ala arrived an hour and a half late, and he messaged me earlier that if he could make it to the seminar before the day ends he will take me the national arts center.
Mira left after the seminar-at four to Nablus, me and Ala went to visit some cultural places, we talked about many things, Asem, theatre, memories, school, friends, love, relations and family.
We called Seif, he was at the net café, we met him there, at 9 An-najah National University radio is playing a program were they talked about many things and Asem, Saed’s speech on his grave…he was crying, I listened to the speech, I was talking to Luai, he did my test he just got five correct answers, I emailed him earlier that you missed five however I want to shout: Ba7ebak.
He said: shout!!!
“Ma bedi”
“Why”
“Because no one cares for my feelings, you all walk away”
He protested: “you lost a lot but make sure you will never lose me”
we left at ten, we had a walk, then to the hotel, each in his room alone, Ala sent me a message we kept sending back and forth for a while, I watched Friends, while watching I called Luai, I said some crazy stuff, I don’t remember every thing, I just remember I wished he’s next to me, holding me till I fall asleep. We kept talking till the duration of my credit.
The next 4 days were good, we agreed that Asem is not dead, his body was dead since long time but his soul is not, he did things can be done by a 60 years old person, when he’s 60 I will say he’s dead.
And this how it’s going now, we some times laugh when talking about him.
At 11 I sent Ian a birthday message, he’s 34, I still remember how busy was that week last year, still remember each word said, each look we exchanged, all the feelings we had, he sms me back around 2 I think.
Luai called me at the last night in Ramallah, it was 2am I think, we talked and talked, I felt much better, 5 days ago I had 2 injuries, and at that night both were healed, Luai is back and mine again even if he got married, we will never split and even if I did we will never split, Mira was awake, she heard a part of our talk.
After these 5 days I realized that we lose to gain, we lose people to meet new ones, we were 20 persons at that seminar, 5 of them looked like famous characters:
Mohammed= Sa’d al hareri
Muna= Condoleezza rays
Mutasem= Simpsons
Maha= Opera
Tahani= Mary Slayman
So opened and nice people, still Asem is not around and Luai is getting involved with another woman, Ian is walking away, Mira is closer, Ala can be sensitive and romantic sometimes, still waiting a message that Asem is alive, I revealed many things to her of last year.
He’s dead, still I can’t believe it, I called Ala’ to make sure, he was crying, I asked him to figure out how true is the news I received, I called Mira… no one told her, Ala sent her a message saying that Asem is in danger, I told her he’s dead.
She couldn’t believe, she said: “you are mistaken Ala’ said he’s just in danger.” I repeated what Hani told me many times without understanding what I’m saying, and then I kept calling all Zajel’s hoping that one of them tells me it’s fake. And messaging all the international friends who knew Asem: “Asem passed away”
Shawn was the first one to SMS me back.
I kept waiting a call to tell me that it was all a mistake and he’s alive. No one did yet.
I cried and paused and waited and discussed, I couldn’t sleep.
Ian sent me a message: “very sad…what can we say? What can we know? Who next? It could be us. This alone is reason enough to fight sadness with all our strength.”
I always liked your words, and how you evaluate and describe things, but this time your words were pale and week, less than the situation, or the situation was bigger than words.
What sadness? That I lost Asem, I just want him back I don’t want to fight any thing, I just want Asem back, I want Luai back, he’s mine I can’t see him with any one else, how can I fight sadness and I lost you-Ian!!!
10, 11, 12, 1. 2 was the last number I read on my watch. I think I fill asleep, at 4 I woke up again, I called Luai, the phone rang four times, it seems he’s asleep, I hanged up, seconds later he called, he said he wasn’t asleep, I told him, he never heard of Asem he didn’t know what to say, I told him I’m going to Hebron, he said: I might get engaged. I paused, my voice changed, he felt what is inside, I protested, refused to believe, asked him to repeat it many times, and then it’s true.
I asked “why?”
He said: I’m bored”
“Then go for a walk!”
I’m going crazy, “I don’t care I said, go marry her”, I lied, he knew.
“You are the first thing I told her about”
“What did you tell her?”
“Every thing”
“What did she say?”
“Nothing!”
I know we are in love-more than in love, I know I wasn’t better than him, I know that I want him and he wants me, I know that I breathe his love, I know that I can’t survive if he’s not on the same surface with me.
He’s not mine now but Asem is dead, he said cry, I said: “ma beddi, ana bedi Asem back”, it was a nice night with two deep injuries, and I was bleeding.
We talked and talked, we revised all our memories, he asked me to send him a kiss, I refused, he asked me again, I did, many strange feelings.
He questioned me about Ian, he wanted to know all the details of the relation we had, I did, I answered all his questions unconsciously, and I asked him: “why are you doing this? It’s not funny!!”
“I want to know”
“You are making all the beautiful memories I have with him seem ugly, I don’t want to continue this”
He responded.
Mean while I said “have to hang up the phone I must get ready, I’m going to Hebron in an hour” he begged me “don’t go, too dangerous”, I said “no I want to go”
I lied; I told him its work, while it was a choice.
“Take care” he said.
In my way to Hebron, in the bus, they are all talking, shouting and singing, I and Ala are messaging
“I’m at the hospital, we will burry him today”
“Are you sure he’s dead? Please find out and tell me, his smiley face still in my mind”
“He’s cold, I’m in the morgue, I kissed him, and he’s cold, once we had a friend called Asem”
I cried silently.
“We are walking towards Hwara check point to bury him in his Village”
“Why? Don’t!!! he would be alone there, all his friends and family are here”
“This is his family will”
“The Israelis stopped us, they detained his brothers”
“Still detained? Tell me? Did they let you pass?”
“We crossed Hwara, we are heading to his village”
A while later, Jalal called, he was crying, I also asked him again if Asem is dead, I asked him to pass him my salam and that I missed him already.
I cried again silently, I was sitting by the window, turned my face to face the window, we were entering Hebron then, at its checkpoint, a soldier was staring at me, and I stared back; crying.
Tomorrow we will go to Ramallah-five day’s course, Mira, Ala and me, Ala doesn’t want to come, Mira is not sure, me and Mira decided to go later, we can share the pain, we did.
At the Red Crescent car I saw Ala standing in a long queue to reach the soldier on Hwara check point, Mira is a head in the women queue, I passed, I arrived to Ramallah at 9:20, the course started at 9, I went to the bank, to withdraw money, the system is changed, come tomorrow, I went to the seminar at Best Eastern hotel.
The day was good, Mira was there already, Ala arrived an hour and a half late, and he messaged me earlier that if he could make it to the seminar before the day ends he will take me the national arts center.
Mira left after the seminar-at four to Nablus, me and Ala went to visit some cultural places, we talked about many things, Asem, theatre, memories, school, friends, love, relations and family.
We called Seif, he was at the net café, we met him there, at 9 An-najah National University radio is playing a program were they talked about many things and Asem, Saed’s speech on his grave…he was crying, I listened to the speech, I was talking to Luai, he did my test he just got five correct answers, I emailed him earlier that you missed five however I want to shout: Ba7ebak.
He said: shout!!!
“Ma bedi”
“Why”
“Because no one cares for my feelings, you all walk away”
He protested: “you lost a lot but make sure you will never lose me”
we left at ten, we had a walk, then to the hotel, each in his room alone, Ala sent me a message we kept sending back and forth for a while, I watched Friends, while watching I called Luai, I said some crazy stuff, I don’t remember every thing, I just remember I wished he’s next to me, holding me till I fall asleep. We kept talking till the duration of my credit.
The next 4 days were good, we agreed that Asem is not dead, his body was dead since long time but his soul is not, he did things can be done by a 60 years old person, when he’s 60 I will say he’s dead.
And this how it’s going now, we some times laugh when talking about him.
At 11 I sent Ian a birthday message, he’s 34, I still remember how busy was that week last year, still remember each word said, each look we exchanged, all the feelings we had, he sms me back around 2 I think.
Luai called me at the last night in Ramallah, it was 2am I think, we talked and talked, I felt much better, 5 days ago I had 2 injuries, and at that night both were healed, Luai is back and mine again even if he got married, we will never split and even if I did we will never split, Mira was awake, she heard a part of our talk.
After these 5 days I realized that we lose to gain, we lose people to meet new ones, we were 20 persons at that seminar, 5 of them looked like famous characters:
Mohammed= Sa’d al hareri
Muna= Condoleezza rays
Mutasem= Simpsons
Maha= Opera
Tahani= Mary Slayman
So opened and nice people, still Asem is not around and Luai is getting involved with another woman, Ian is walking away, Mira is closer, Ala can be sensitive and romantic sometimes, still waiting a message that Asem is alive, I revealed many things to her of last year.
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
Court
When I went to the court for the Passport as I have to do the oath and obtain some stamps, I met one of Doebbler’s students, Mazen. That guy is so polite but sometimes annoying I always didn’t like when he stops me and starts talking each answer starts a new question with him!!!
I met him at the court, he’s a lawyer, I was so scared he helped me a lot showed me where to go, used his connections to get the stamp without doing the oath.
Sometimes I conceder meeting Doebbler a curse, but that day it wasn’t.
I met him at the court, he’s a lawyer, I was so scared he helped me a lot showed me where to go, used his connections to get the stamp without doing the oath.
Sometimes I conceder meeting Doebbler a curse, but that day it wasn’t.
Saturday, February 25, 2006
2
I went to the ministry of interior, I got it, I was shivering and watching all people’s eyes, any one knows me here?
When I had it in my hands wow I cant tell how happy I was.
Hamze said you look tired but victorious!!!
When I had it in my hands wow I cant tell how happy I was.
Hamze said you look tired but victorious!!!
Asem
Wednesday, 6 pm Ala sent me a message Asem opened his eyes, talked to me on the phone, I’m so excited, going to meet him”
I was near to flying when reading this sms.
A few minutes later Mira sms me “what about visiting Asem, to see us will help him a lot”
Thursday. 11 am, Jihan, Mira and me heading to the hospital, Asem is transferred from the ACU, Jihad was there in his room, we entered the room, not sure of what we will find, we first met his eyes, he smiled so his eyes, when his mom sw us she said “ah now I know why he smiled” I could tell how happy he was to see us all around, his mom asked him “can you recognize them?” he murmured “Yusra…Mira” then Jihan appeared he smiled “Hajje!!” he was so happy we talked and blamed him for leaving us 25 days scared and tensed!!! He smiled… a pale smile, his beard was long, and his face is too tired.
I couldn’t take my eyes away, is it true? Is that Asem the lively guy we know? It’s just unconceivable to see ppl you love and you used to talk with-DISABLED- and you doubt if they even can see you or recognize you!!!
I was near to flying when reading this sms.
A few minutes later Mira sms me “what about visiting Asem, to see us will help him a lot”
Thursday. 11 am, Jihan, Mira and me heading to the hospital, Asem is transferred from the ACU, Jihad was there in his room, we entered the room, not sure of what we will find, we first met his eyes, he smiled so his eyes, when his mom sw us she said “ah now I know why he smiled” I could tell how happy he was to see us all around, his mom asked him “can you recognize them?” he murmured “Yusra…Mira” then Jihan appeared he smiled “Hajje!!” he was so happy we talked and blamed him for leaving us 25 days scared and tensed!!! He smiled… a pale smile, his beard was long, and his face is too tired.
I couldn’t take my eyes away, is it true? Is that Asem the lively guy we know? It’s just unconceivable to see ppl you love and you used to talk with-DISABLED- and you doubt if they even can see you or recognize you!!!
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
1
I started executing my plan, it just needs time and patience, the first part was the hardest because it doesn’t depend on me only, but on many people who shouldn’t know why I’m doing that for!!!
The court part was scary, go sign this paper, stamp it form here, then you should stand before the judge-that was the scariest- do the oath :S
Luckily the judge signed my paper without calling me for the oath!!!
I didn’t have to lie and that relieved me kteeeeeeeeeeer.
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