I had a dream

Last night I didn't sleep well... I remember I woke up maybe each 1 hour or less, and I had a dream, so wired and so indescribable.

I was walking in an opened area, I don't remember trees or buildings or anything, I started to walk faster because I could feel someone's steps are following me…I didn't turn my face and I kept walking, after few minutes I decided to turn my face and I saw tens of people following me, all kind of people with all feelings, some looked at me with anger, others with fear, hatred, love… all kind of feelings and all were trying to catch or touch me. Some managed to touch me and OMG any one's hands that touches me melt or burn!! No one could hold his grip on me!!
Few minutes later I found my self in a big bus holding a beautiful baby in my arms- it's not mine, it was so beautiful and peaceful, I was trying to keep it close to me, I knew inside that it was so weak and I should protect though it looks so healthy, I was talking slowly to people and asking them to do the same, I was watching out that no one speaks loud coz the baby might be frightened or maybe sleeping!!
It was a boy but I gave it a girly name that I can't remember.

It hurts when a person counts…

When one and three exists but not two… when you realize that you are the "two" that never existed!!

I miss you guys

"The eyes are the windows of the soul" Jacob today asked me about the brown eyes, Adam's eyes talks a lot also!!

When we were drawing the map of the world it was fun, Nuno is very neat and knows how to make simple ideas great ones!!
All of us almost worked on this, I did at the last day, all were amazing, Holly's voice, Rory's frown, Madlen's laugh from time to time, Adam's annoying and adorable remarks :D

Adam was using the red paint when he asked me to draw any thing and he draw a nice red heart, we were working in the sun, I got sun burn but where the heart was I didn't and still I have a white non burned shaped heart on my arm!!
Mark also draw a girl a little green one- amazing Mark!! The girl also still drawn by the non burned skin on the other arm!!

By the time I will lose those 2 nice drawing but I will always have it burned in my soul!!

قد لا أكون يوما كل ما حلمت به
ولكني أريدك أن تعرف أني يوما حلمت بك
وان تعرف أني خفت منك ومن كل ما يعيدني إليك
علمت روحي أن تهواك وترضى بأسوار تضربها حولي ويوما لم ترضى بالأسوار
وأنت تعلم أكثر مني فانا منك وأنت مني
فلماذا فتحت لي الأبواب؟
ولماذا نسيت انك عاهدتني أني للعمر سجينة؟
وانك أنت سجاني؟
ووعدتني أني سأخسر رهاني؟

و ها انأ ذا ربحت وكم تمنيت أن اخسر
ووعدتني أني سأخسر رهاني؟
و ها انأ ذا ربحت وكم تمنيت أن اخسر

Time with Zajel's is a time of celebration to me, a small party at the office, a gathering at the restaurant next to the University any place with Ala, Mira, Fawwaz, Wafa, Jihad… is heaven.

Last Thursday was different " music without boarders" where the band playing music that evening at the new theatre and we all where waiting this event.
The first time ever when I was dressing up for the concert I had that feeling of deep loneliness, that me going to this concert is pointlessm I dropped my hands staring at my face in the mirror and wondering why would I go? with all Zajel'z around me and close friends I felt like I need a more close person, someone who is attached to my soul, to taste and enjoy this music with me.
At 6:30 we were all there. Zajel's are receiving people at the entrance, and I stood with them and chatted a bit and laughed and watched people entering, Jalal was great, leading people to their seats and I was laughing and chatting with Wafa and Fawwaz. Mira was moving here and there.

At last the concert started at 7:15, we were seated and waiting, the hall was completely filled and people were waiting, the music started and the musicians were controlling us with their music and singing sometimes, the conductor of the band has a great voice with which he can lift us to the highest levels of excitement or to the deepest levels of sadness, music from different parts of the words were played and many languages I could only distinguish were sang.

With All the Zajel's around me and close friends next to me a feeling of deep loneliness was increasing, the music was soul and heart blowing, the more it became great and exciting the more I felt the need for someone to share me this pleasure and taste the music with me.
A huge emptiness and a wide distance was separating me from every one around me, was it the music or me??

The image was perfect last night...i could feel you...i could see you i even could smell your skin.

Every thing was unique, brilliant and out there… It's all burnt in my mind… It will take me for ever to start waking up without your faces in my mind… At the checkpoint of Nablus we stuck in the jam, I was behind him and 6 persons were in between, and he turned his face… for few seconds I asked my self: "I saw this face before! Where?" It's Hani… I bet there is something in those eyes reminds me of eyes I met in other parallel life!

And the brown eyes fades away again…

متعب أنا

وقلت من جديد :ليس عندي فرح أعلنه ..

فتنحى عن طريقي..

تحطم القنديل الصغير..

وتكسرت الشموع ..

ليس عندي فرح أجمعه..

صدقوني..متعب أنا

How many kids like this did the nakba produce?

"Too much make up you are using today" he said

Well- i didn't feel that it was so, or that i meant to when i was getting ready to the concert.
Then I asked my self: is it a mask to hide my face?
Am I using colors to hide the sadness in my face and drive them gaze at the bright colors instead of the bale and dark colors in my eyes?
i knew that it was so clear in my eyes and all can read it easily!!!

حبيبتي رحلت

حبيبتي رحلت
كزجاجة عطر تتكسر...رحلت
كـأقول بروج تتلألأ...رحلت
كقصيدة شعر ما اكتملت...رحلت
كنسائم أيار الرائعة...رحلت
كالامواج تنحسر عن شاطئها...رحلت
كرمال تنساب من ساعاتي...رحلت
رحلت حبيبتي...رحلت

keep it

When it's so blank and I'm washed away into oceans of different feelings, all I think about is listening to you talking and watching you moving around slowly, working o ur computer, heading to the fridge, back with a glass of water, pause then sit again and resume work.
I love watching you and hearing you talking even if I'm not listening just your voice flow.

Outrage

I asked him to choose

"Yasyousa no comment about ur email! i want u both u decide"

for you

Just for you and you know that it's just you.

click here to listen ما حدا بيعبي مطرحك في قلبي

Never Leave Me

You promised me not to be Brad and not to make me Elian but you lied again and again.

You are Bard and I will end up Elain.

am i big enough to go ahead and forget?

i won't stop at the bad things it's time to remember all the good things, good times, happiness, joy, help you gave me.
i will always remember that you were always there for me, supported me always.
i will always remember how much close we were and how happy I'm to have you next to me for a while.
i will always celebrate March 14th

first Asem and now Luai though he promised not to die and leave me alone

Who sets that policy and insures applying it?

Who says that we should lose to feel the value of what we lost
Am I paying back?

Once a guy who just met me read my hand palm and told me that I will choose losing and I will grieve till my life ends. I chose losing? He chose losing? But I lost.

The first part of the omen is fulfilled will I live the second? I don't want I wish I can take it out and just forget how feelings feel.

yalla come back Asem

Almost forty days…Asem didn’t pass by the office, I’m not sure if he’s ok…his phone is turned off… maybe we should call him home.

Today is his first memorial… then he has gone!!! It’s true? No I still feel him around, I’m not sad and why should I? Asem is gonna show up this afternoon at his memorial and he will help us preparing to the event, rush to the auditorium with his Camera, this will help him to lose few grams.

Nothing can be said but I’m sure it’s all about me and you…all of you made of nothing… leads to nothing and absolutely fills no place…
We walk and the wind blows the prints away… when you think you might be there the mirror reflects nothing but the scene behind you and you keep staring, looking for your face and this shows a better and clearer image of the scene behind you till you forget that you are looking for you in that image and you admire the beauty behind if it exists.
Time passes and you faint.