Ya msafer wa7dak... w fayetni

Do I exist? does he notice me jumping up and down, trying to come into the line of his vision? i am trying hard to find my self jumping in the darkness where no one can see me, only me and the sensation of my movement.

why is it too hard? i am aging alone, and i am too tired to carry on by my self, i took the test yesterday and the song which describes my relationship with life was:

Yam safer wa7dak

كأن شيئا لم يكن

كأن شيئا لم يكن تعود المعالم للتشكل
كأن شيئا لم يكن يعود التحالف للتشكل
كأن شيئا لم يكن تعود الملامح للتآكل
كأن شيئا لم يكن نعود نقول على الله التوكل.

the strongest wave hit me TODAY

سنلتقي ذات يوم

حين تصبح دقات قلبي أسرع من خطواتك المبتعدة

في دولة أخرى سيكون اللقاء

فدولتي أنا لا أرض لها ولا سماء

ولا ساعات لاطالعها فكيف احث عقارب الساعة؟

كيف سأخبرك أين سنلتقي من جديد؟

كنا ألتقينا بين الارض وبين السماء

عدت أبحث عن الغيمة التي احتضنتنا

والاسراب التي مرت بنا فحيتنا

ولكن هيهات للريح أن تستجيب

وتعيد لي رائحة ذكرى لقاء غريب

بين الارض وبين السماء

رأيت الكثيرين على الارصفة يطالعون الجرائد

يتباحثون بما قاله العمود الاول

ويتضاحكون على صورة التقطها مصور هاو

ماذا يقول العمود الاول؟

وهل أنت ذاك الهاوي؟ أم من صوّره الهاوي؟

سماؤك حلوة وأرضك أحلى

أحب حياتي لاني غدا سأراك

وأني أحبك أكثر لان عيونك لون سمائي وشعرك أرضي ومائي

Marcil...

سقطت كل الأوراق

سقطت كل الأوراق

ورقة الليمون واللوز والتين والعنب

وسقطت ورقة التوت فهل أموت؟

سقطت ورقة التوت وكل الأوراق

وسقطت منك ورقة التوت كما سقطت مني

فالتقطتها ولم تلتقطني

التقطني واضربني بي

واضرب كبريائي المتكسر بالحائط

واجعل مني أضحوكة

وابتعد أو لا تبتعد فما عدت أرى أو اسمع أو أحس

ولا عادت الكلمات تغويني

ولا الهمسات تطرق باب إحساسي

أو تشعل نار أنفاسي

فأنا ورقة تتدحرج أرضا

كبرياء لا يتلملم أبدا

وأنا المستحيل وأنا الممنوع وأنا المحرم وأنا المتهم وأنا كل المخطئين

وأنا كل ما يداس به ويداس

وأنا... وأنت وأنتم لم نعد واحد

بل صرنا ثلاثة أو ثلاثين أو ثلاثمائة

وما يهمني وقد سقطت ورقة التوت فهل أموت؟

حاصرتني الأشجار والأفرع بالجنون

وسقطت ستائر الغرف وشرعت الأبواب وخرجت!

أهربت مني؟

أهرب واركض وابتعد قدر ما استطعت

وما يهمني وقد سقطت ورقة التوت فهل أموت؟

سقطت ورقة التوت وسقطت طروادة وسقطت أنا فدست جثتي بلا هوادة

وذهبت تبحث عن مجندة جديدة

ودولة جديدة

ورحت تختار الأقنعة

رأيتك تمر عن جسدي، فما سلمت ولا تذكرت

فماذا اكون؟

سقطت ورقة التوت وسقط القناع

وسقطت أنا وسقطت طروادة ودست جثتي بلا هوادة

فهل أموت؟ وقد سقطت ورقة التوت!

Nightmares are chasing me again

artificial bugs this time, i don't know how but i found my self travelling at a certain point of that dream, it was my family's house in Nablus but then it was a hosting family house, dirty and untidy!
i wanted to take a shower and i entered the bathroom it was occupied but i stayed and waited inside, while waiting in the steamy hot bathroom artificial plastic bugs with real legs and eyes appeared and started to walk around i tried to kill them but no one died as they were made of plastic flushing them didn't work too!! they kept appearing from no were constantly, i ran away with panic gathering my clean cloths to wake up on a raven's cawing!!

Nightmares are chasing me, i can't sleep proberly, it takes from my time and energy!!

mine and his

my daily horoscope is delivered daily to my email, i am a Scorpio, recently i noticed another sign's reading, his daily horoscope!! ya allah... his sign is associated with mine!! what a coincidence!! are we really a match made in heaven? I wonder...

Mine:

It's easy to get lost in a maze of choices, but focus and you can figure it out. You can't always tell what the best course of action is right away. Be open to new information, especially from unusual sources.

His:

Sometimes you feel like your ship is about to come in; other times you think it has completely gotten off course. Could both cases be true? It might just be that your luck is taking a roundabout path to get to you.

Ensa elli Ra7

It was 4:14 when I work up this afternoon, nightmares and wired dreams are catching up with me for the last few days, I see wars in different locations out side Palestine, I don’t recognize it but I know it’s not Palestine, I see children’s remains, I see demolished houses, I see people fled there houses, I see field officers shouting at their soldiers and me watching this scene helpless!!

I woke up, checked my email- No new messages!! Did the world abandon me? I called my sister, she asked me to join her and her husband, he will be at home any minute with Hakam, ok; I will shower and come as fast as I can, at 5:03 I was locking my apartment’s door with a cigarette between my tired fingers. I walked slowly in the garden heading to the main gate, I tried to walk as slow as I could, I know he will be leaving work now- his company is across the street, I don’t want to meet with him, I don’t want my eyes to follow the lines of his body. I sat at a plastic chair by the gate and waited to finish the cigarette, I crossed the gate, his car was still there… ok I can walk fast to reach the service to Betounia before he leaves.

I managed, called Yasmin to tell her I am in the way, Bashar (her husband) answered, he said yalla hurry up we are starving, Hakam says bring your laptop. Ok I will.

I returned slowly, my sight was stepping faster to see if his car is still there, it’s moving, he is leaving, my legs kept stepping ahead and I prayed he doesn’t see me.

The sun was reflecting on his car, his car was the only thing I could see, and the scene was empty, just me and his car.

He didn’t stop, I didn’t wonder if he saw me or not, I just though: he didn’t see me!!

It’s 11:42 pm now—no messages, no calls, just me and my computer.

Ensa elli ra7 (click to download and listen)

Ana ablak ya 7abibi khanitni el eyyam

W 3alayye la ma t5abbi w be 3younak kalam

3ashe2 enta ya albi w dayeb bel ‘3aram

Dayeb bel ‘3aram

Ensa elli ra7 ya albi rta7

Hayk el ‘3aram laysh el malam

W la btehda youm wala bterta7

Shu 6alet ha layali w sha’3aloni el 3esha2

Ma sa2alo 3an 7ali ya nar el ashwa2

W ba3don 3ala bali w ana dayman meshta2

W ana Dayman meshta2

Photo album, Germany 12- 25 May, 2007

Click the link below to view photos of my visit to Germany.
Enjoy it :)

http://picasaweb.google.com/yusra81/Germany2007?authkey=75so1-7uBwg

A growing humanitarian crisis is occurring in North Lebanon at the Palestinian Camp, Nahr Al Bared Camp

A growing humanitarian crisis is occurring in North Lebanon at the Palestinian Camp, Nahr Al Bared Camp. Heavy fighting began on Sunday 20 May, with shelling on the camp itself beginning on Tuesday, May 22. According to statistics by UNRWA, the UN agency responsible for Palestinian refugees in the Near East, approximately 31,000 registered Palestinians live in the camp, although actual statistics, including the unregistered persons are closer to around 35,000.

When the fighting began many civilians remained still in the camps, caught in the cross-fire, and evacuated during a ceasefire and has continued with only sporadic gunfire afterwards. While exact figures are still unknown at this point the number, approximately 25% of the refugees are seeking refuge in UNRWA schools. The majority of families--approximately 75% have sought refuge with other families in the nearby Badawi Palestinian Camp in the North of Lebanon and increasingly refugees are streaming into Palestinian camps in Beirut--Shatila, Mar Elias, and Bourj al Barajneh.

Many civilians were injured and have chronic illnesses and hospitals as well as clinics are running low on medical supplies, as well as there are limited basic necessities for all the IDPs as they fled their camp with just the clothes on their back. The situation is extremely critical and requires additional aid and supplies to prevent a further increase to the already growing humanitarian crisis. Aside from international organizations, such as UNRWA, civil society organizations and grassroots groups--such as professors and students from the American University of Beirut, and the Committee of the Festival of the Right of Return, began immediate operations to gather supplies and take care of IDPs and support hospitals caring for the wounded.

Immediate funds are required to buy the supplies needed for the IDPs. We have adopted 50 families, whom the Nahr al Bared Relief Campaign is taking care of, by purchasing items inside the refugee camps to supply the refugees with the supplies they need (medicine, diapers, kitchen materials, clothing, and hygiene kits). While donations of clothing and other items are welcome, we feel it is important to collect cash donations as the economy of the Badawi refugee camp is already suffering because the NGOs inside the camp are bringing all their aid in from outside. Thus, we are supplying people inside Badawi, Bourj al Barajneh, Mar Elias, and Shatila camps with goods from their own community.

A new Family

Bubbles

i might talked about this once before, but it's taking place again... Salim once read my hand, he said: you are like a bubble, you start small, grow bigger, and then you explode destroying all what you achieved, i laughed then, because till that time i didn't experience this really... but i am now this bubble, i start strong, energetic and working hard, then by the time i just get bored, i don't feel i am bored, i just feel strongly for leaving the place, running away, and i do, i don't think, this idea controls my mind then, screens any other thought and reality... and here i am, i am longing for running away khalas... i am tired and had enough.

where? to where this time? WHERE?

He tells me She tells me

He tells me I make a good coffee, it smells good.

She tells me I make the best lasagna she ever tasted, but it always tastes different!!

He tells me I hated you tonight, but I will love you for ever.

She tells me you need to think twice before doing any thing from now on.

He tells me that he loves me and will love me for ever, then that we should break up!!!

She tells me God puts the best good people in your way but you are good at losing them.

He tells me you are a bird with no nest.

He tells me and She tells me, but what do I say? Where am I from all what they say? Where are they in my life? Are those characters real? Am I real?

Recently I see wired dreams, dreams that have meanings, it's not just dreams, they are visions!! Scenes from my past, life- lives I've lived and vision of the future.
Those dreams started to exhaust me, take from my time and energy.

I want someone to interpret, but who will? no one know really my past, what i went through, how I think, feel, taste life...

I feel like going out for shesha now, no one is available to ask out, Muhannad has an exhibition opening Saturday- he works day and night, Rabee's Grandma died 2 days ago- can't ask him out, Muntaser is in Nablus and I am in Ramallah!!

Why is it that hard?

I need to fly, fly away; I don't want to know landing, nests, and limbs.

مديح الظل العالي

شعر: محمود درويش

(1)

كم كنت وحدك يا ابن أمي

يا ابن أكثر من أبي

كم كنت وحدك

القمح مر في حقول الآخرين

والماء مالح

والغيم فولاذ

وهذا النجم جارح

وعليك أن تحيا

وأن تعطي مقابل حبة الزيتون جلدك

(2)

حطوك في حجر وقالوا: لا تسلم

رموك في بئر وقالوا: لا تسلم

وأطلت في حربك يا ابن أمي

ألف عام في النهار

فأنكروك لأنهم لا يعرفون

سوى الخطابة والفرار

هم يسلخون الآن جلدك

فاحذر ملامحهم وغمدك

كم كنت وحدك

(3)

بيروت.. لا

ظهري أمام البحر أسوار ولا

قد أخسر الدنيا.. نعم

قد أخسر الكلمات والذكرى

لكني أقول الآن: لا

هي آخر الطلقات: لا

هي ما تبقي من هؤلاء الأرضُ: لا

هي ما تبقى من نشيج الروح: لا

سقط القناع عن القناع عن القناع

سقط القناع

لا إخوة لك يا أخي

لا أصدقاء يا صديقي

لا قلاع

لا الماء عندك

لا الدواء، ولا السماء، ولا الدماء

ولا الشراء، ولا الأمام، ولا الوراء

حاصر حصارك.. لا مفر

سقطت ذراعك فالتقطها

واضرب عدوك.. لا مفر

وسقطت قربك فالتقطني

واضرب عدوك بي

فأنت الآن حر

قتلاك أو جرحاك فيك ذخيرة

فاضرب بها

اضرب عدوك.. لا مفر

(4)

وأنا التوازن بين ما يجب

كنا هناك..

ومن هنا ستهاجر العرب

قصب هياكلنا وعروشنا قصب

في كل مئذنة حاو ومغتصب

يدعو لأندلس إن حوصرت حلب

وأنا التوازن

بين من جاءوا ومن ذهبوا

وأنا التوازن

بين من سُلبوا ومن سلبوا

وأنا التوازن

بين من صمدوا ومن هربوا

وأنا التوازن بين ما يجب

(5)

أهدي إلى جاري الجريدة

كي يفتش عن أقاربه

أعزيه غدا

أمشي لأبحث عن كنوز الماء في قبو البناية

يدخل الطيران أفكاري ويقصفها

فيقتل تسع عشرة طفلة

يتوقف العصفور عن إنشاده

والموت يأتينا بكل سلاحه

البري والجوي والبحري

ما زلت أحيا

ألف شكر للمصادفة السعيدة

يبذل الرؤساء جهدا عند أمريكا

لتفرج عن مياه الشرب

كيف سنغسل موتانا؟

(6)

ولا جديد لدى العروبة

بعد شهر

يلتقي كل الملوك بكل أنواع الملوك

من العقيد إلى الشهيد

ليبحثوا خطر اليهود

أما الآن

فالأحوال هادئة تماما مثلما كانت

وإن الموت يأتينا

بكل سلاحه الجوي والبري والبحري

مليون انفجار في المدينة

وأمريكا على الأسوار

تهدي كل طفل لعبة للموت عنقودية

يا هيروشيما العاشق العربي

أمريكا هي الطاعون

والطاعون أمريكا

نعسنا.. أيقظتنا الطائرات

وصوت أمريكا

وأمريكا لأمريكا

وهذا الأفق أسمنت لو حسن الجو

نفتح علبة السردين تقصفها المدافع

نحتمي بستارة الشباك.. تهتز البناية

تقفز الأبواب

أمريكا وراء الباب

نمشي في الشوارع باحثين عن السلامة

من سيدفننا إذا متنا؟

I stood up, got dressed, left the house, bought Lana a bouquet of pink roses, headed to the graveyard, I sat next to her, she still as beautiful as she was always, I talked to her, told her every thing I’ve since she left, she was shocked, she didn’t respond, I could feel her gazes passe through my body, I told her how much do I miss her, I told her about Muntaser, and that we broke up, I begged her to forgive me, I didn’t mean to take him from you Lana, it just happened, but I am now punished, I am left with pain and loneliness, but I don’t mind the pain, I am paying back for what I did.

i found my self waiting for his calls

and i knew he would never call me again... shall I accept the reality till it changes?

Nights of the Air

It was Ramadan, I don’t remember who was there with me then, but I remember that we were a group of friends, I was the mutual friend of all of them, they were about 12 different persons, of different minds, attitudes and nationalities, most of them didn’t like each other, I was the only woman among them all, trying to talk to all of them fearing that one of them would get pissed off with the other, they kept on going and coming each according to the free time he has, I don’t remember the faces or what we talked about.

I remember Hamza and Ali, the last too men standing with me, we left the street café minutes before the morning’s prayer, a friend of Ali was walking with- he wanted to catch a cap, he should be home, it’s too late, his parents called him. The three of us looked for an opened restaurant for a pre fasting day snack, we found one in Al falaki square, and we were the only 3 there. A simple dirty one, Liam took me to once, I like his pies, the waiters there are the cooks, no smile no certain impression is on their faces. The summer was leaving and the breeze is colder, Hamze and Ali discussed a lot of things, Ali is from Iraq, a great little gentleman, he knows a lot, I listened to their conversations, a transparent screen was keeping me from them, I watched them like watching a cinema film, the Air was carrying their voice, I knew I was listening, but I also knew that I wished to have such a conversation with you, I wished to sit late at night at the pavement with you.

You visited my dreams few nights ago; Shireen told me that we have no other chance, that you are ways behind me now, that you enjoyed no success in your life since we broke up, that your life is fucked and that you need forgiveness, it’s not me who curses your life, I forgave you before I knew that I did, how can I hold any feelings against you? You taught me what life is, you taught me that you are my life and I should work hard, though I know you will never be in my life again, I took all chances, and all words were said. All I have now is your memory brought back to me every night with breeze, with Nights of the Air

Does he feel it's broken?

He asked me once, why does the Arabic translation look less in size than the original English text? Did you miss any sentence? Did you ignore lines?

I answered: because it’s too different languages, too different ways of expression.

Does he understand that they are too different worlds: English and Arabic.

That was the problem always, it’s and will always be, we are too different creatures and will always have different interpretation, understanding for morals, feelings, laws and world's regulations.

Why are we convinced that the same God created us? How come that the blond, white, blue eyes male comes from the same factory where the coloured, dark skin, brown eyes female came? How come that a machine which produced curly dark hair would produce blond straight hair? What are the genes? Aren’t they what we inherit from those ppl who came first from the same factory of white male and coloured female?

Why Olmert who is as white as Abbas is considered white while Abbas is coloured? What makes Olmert more human than Abbas, and Wisman more respected than Arafat? Aren’t they products of the same factory? Who runs the factory? Who controls the production line? Who wrapped those products? Is it the wrapping which matters? And if they stood naked against each other would they become equal? Let’s have a 'naked' auction, no labels, no wrappings, no ribbons, no flags and no pre set prices, just naked participants, one condition- close the factory.

The wall is bigger and higher than what we think

I work for Right-to-enter campaign; I receive weekly tens of denied-entry cases, the campaign is doing a tremendous work to reach a clear law of who are allowed to enter and trying to facilitate it, I was reading Nadia’s story of her repetitive entry denial, she’s a Chilean- Palestinian woman, her only violation in the Israeli’s eyes is her will to live in this country- her country, Palestine, knowing that she followed the regulations and renewed her visa at the time of its expiration. This story is repeated over and over with all the Palestinians of foreign nationals.

Last week I was chaperoning a German delegation who are traveling across Palestine 67 and Palestine 48 in their attempt to write and publish a book about Palestine “journey to Jerusalem”, Laura- the coordinator of Right to education campaign at the university of Bier Zeit received us there, we had the chance to talk to students from different departments of the University, Ahmad talked about his experience on the check points and how hard it was to travel daily from Jenin to Bier Zeit, he ended up living in Bier Zeit- Ramallah, in the way to Bier Zeit-Ramallah the traveler should cross Za’tara check point, which controls the travelers from Nablus, Jineen and Tulkarem who are heading to Ramallah, this check point was a small crossing point with few soldiers checking the travelers IDs.

Recently the IOF are expanding the check point to become a big crossing point as the ones on boarders, Ahmed told me that the plan is to control not only the travelers but to issue permits to those who are residents of a certain city and heading to a different one, (e.g. Nablus residents should show the reasons of their visit to Ramallah to get a permit)!! While logically this procedure is not needed as Ramallah and Nablus are considered area A which makes them cities of the PA and cities of the same country- since when do citizens need a permit to visit a city in “their” country?

The last three days brought me different followed regulations which will be put in force in the Palestinian territories, Noemi- a Swiss friend who studies Arabic in Bier Zeit university was inquiring about the new interpretation of the CoGAT letter which organizes the entry to Israel “Palestine and Palestine 48”, what she was inquiring about is the visa or visiting permit that any visitor of a foreign national passport to the Palestinian Authority territories should apply to, in order to visit these territories, to find out that this regulation is applied only on Palestinians of foreign national..

The wall is bigger and higher than what we think, it lies on our chests and surrounds each and every Palestinian, whether he has the Palestinian ID or not, first the wall was constructed to separate the Palestinian state from the “Israeli” one, and now it’s expanding to separate the Palestinian state from the Palestinian state… and we submit!!

Where’s the Palestinian Authority from this? What solutions do they provide? What is the point of all negotiation attempts if we are the weak party?