Wednesday, April 25, 2007

He tells me She tells me


He tells me I make a good coffee, it smells good.

She tells me I make the best lasagna she ever tasted, but it always tastes different!!

He tells me I hated you tonight, but I will love you for ever.

She tells me you need to think twice before doing any thing from now on.

He tells me that he loves me and will love me for ever, then that we should break up!!!

She tells me God puts the best good people in your way but you are good at losing them.

He tells me you are a bird with no nest.

He tells me and She tells me, but what do I say? Where am I from all what they say? Where are they in my life? Are those characters real? Am I real?

Recently I see wired dreams, dreams that have meanings, it's not just dreams, they are visions!! Scenes from my past, life- lives I've lived and vision of the future.
Those dreams started to exhaust me, take from my time and energy.

I want someone to interpret, but who will? no one know really my past, what i went through, how I think, feel, taste life...

I feel like going out for shesha now, no one is available to ask out, Muhannad has an exhibition opening Saturday- he works day and night, Rabee's Grandma died 2 days ago- can't ask him out, Muntaser is in Nablus and I am in Ramallah!!

Why is it that hard?

I need to fly, fly away; I don't want to know landing, nests, and limbs.


Thursday, April 19, 2007

مديح الظل العالي

شعر: محمود درويش

(1)

كم كنت وحدك يا ابن أمي

يا ابن أكثر من أبي

كم كنت وحدك

القمح مر في حقول الآخرين

والماء مالح

والغيم فولاذ

وهذا النجم جارح

وعليك أن تحيا

وأن تعطي مقابل حبة الزيتون جلدك

(2)

حطوك في حجر وقالوا: لا تسلم

رموك في بئر وقالوا: لا تسلم

وأطلت في حربك يا ابن أمي

ألف عام في النهار

فأنكروك لأنهم لا يعرفون

سوى الخطابة والفرار

هم يسلخون الآن جلدك

فاحذر ملامحهم وغمدك

كم كنت وحدك

(3)

بيروت.. لا

ظهري أمام البحر أسوار ولا

قد أخسر الدنيا.. نعم

قد أخسر الكلمات والذكرى

لكني أقول الآن: لا

هي آخر الطلقات: لا

هي ما تبقي من هؤلاء الأرضُ: لا

هي ما تبقى من نشيج الروح: لا

سقط القناع عن القناع عن القناع

سقط القناع

لا إخوة لك يا أخي

لا أصدقاء يا صديقي

لا قلاع

لا الماء عندك

لا الدواء، ولا السماء، ولا الدماء

ولا الشراء، ولا الأمام، ولا الوراء

حاصر حصارك.. لا مفر

سقطت ذراعك فالتقطها

واضرب عدوك.. لا مفر

وسقطت قربك فالتقطني

واضرب عدوك بي

فأنت الآن حر

قتلاك أو جرحاك فيك ذخيرة

فاضرب بها

اضرب عدوك.. لا مفر

(4)

وأنا التوازن بين ما يجب

كنا هناك..

ومن هنا ستهاجر العرب

قصب هياكلنا وعروشنا قصب

في كل مئذنة حاو ومغتصب

يدعو لأندلس إن حوصرت حلب

وأنا التوازن

بين من جاءوا ومن ذهبوا

وأنا التوازن

بين من سُلبوا ومن سلبوا

وأنا التوازن

بين من صمدوا ومن هربوا

وأنا التوازن بين ما يجب

(5)

أهدي إلى جاري الجريدة

كي يفتش عن أقاربه

أعزيه غدا

أمشي لأبحث عن كنوز الماء في قبو البناية

يدخل الطيران أفكاري ويقصفها

فيقتل تسع عشرة طفلة

يتوقف العصفور عن إنشاده

والموت يأتينا بكل سلاحه

البري والجوي والبحري

ما زلت أحيا

ألف شكر للمصادفة السعيدة

يبذل الرؤساء جهدا عند أمريكا

لتفرج عن مياه الشرب

كيف سنغسل موتانا؟

(6)

ولا جديد لدى العروبة

بعد شهر

يلتقي كل الملوك بكل أنواع الملوك

من العقيد إلى الشهيد

ليبحثوا خطر اليهود

أما الآن

فالأحوال هادئة تماما مثلما كانت

وإن الموت يأتينا

بكل سلاحه الجوي والبري والبحري

مليون انفجار في المدينة

وأمريكا على الأسوار

تهدي كل طفل لعبة للموت عنقودية

يا هيروشيما العاشق العربي

أمريكا هي الطاعون

والطاعون أمريكا

نعسنا.. أيقظتنا الطائرات

وصوت أمريكا

وأمريكا لأمريكا

وهذا الأفق أسمنت لو حسن الجو

نفتح علبة السردين تقصفها المدافع

نحتمي بستارة الشباك.. تهتز البناية

تقفز الأبواب

أمريكا وراء الباب

نمشي في الشوارع باحثين عن السلامة

من سيدفننا إذا متنا؟

Monday, April 16, 2007


I stood up, got dressed, left the house, bought Lana a bouquet of pink roses, headed to the graveyard, I sat next to her, she still as beautiful as she was always, I talked to her, told her every thing I’ve since she left, she was shocked, she didn’t respond, I could feel her gazes passe through my body, I told her how much do I miss her, I told her about Muntaser, and that we broke up, I begged her to forgive me, I didn’t mean to take him from you Lana, it just happened, but I am now punished, I am left with pain and loneliness, but I don’t mind the pain, I am paying back for what I did.

Monday, April 09, 2007

i found my self waiting for his calls

and i knew he would never call me again... shall I accept the reality till it changes?

Sunday, March 25, 2007

Nights of the Air

It was Ramadan, I don’t remember who was there with me then, but I remember that we were a group of friends, I was the mutual friend of all of them, they were about 12 different persons, of different minds, attitudes and nationalities, most of them didn’t like each other, I was the only woman among them all, trying to talk to all of them fearing that one of them would get pissed off with the other, they kept on going and coming each according to the free time he has, I don’t remember the faces or what we talked about.

I remember Hamza and Ali, the last too men standing with me, we left the street café minutes before the morning’s prayer, a friend of Ali was walking with- he wanted to catch a cap, he should be home, it’s too late, his parents called him. The three of us looked for an opened restaurant for a pre fasting day snack, we found one in Al falaki square, and we were the only 3 there. A simple dirty one, Liam took me to once, I like his pies, the waiters there are the cooks, no smile no certain impression is on their faces. The summer was leaving and the breeze is colder, Hamze and Ali discussed a lot of things, Ali is from Iraq, a great little gentleman, he knows a lot, I listened to their conversations, a transparent screen was keeping me from them, I watched them like watching a cinema film, the Air was carrying their voice, I knew I was listening, but I also knew that I wished to have such a conversation with you, I wished to sit late at night at the pavement with you.

You visited my dreams few nights ago; Shireen told me that we have no other chance, that you are ways behind me now, that you enjoyed no success in your life since we broke up, that your life is fucked and that you need forgiveness, it’s not me who curses your life, I forgave you before I knew that I did, how can I hold any feelings against you? You taught me what life is, you taught me that you are my life and I should work hard, though I know you will never be in my life again, I took all chances, and all words were said. All I have now is your memory brought back to me every night with breeze, with Nights of the Air

Monday, March 19, 2007

Does he feel it's broken?

He asked me once, why does the Arabic translation look less in size than the original English text? Did you miss any sentence? Did you ignore lines?

I answered: because it’s too different languages, too different ways of expression.

Does he understand that they are too different worlds: English and Arabic.

That was the problem always, it’s and will always be, we are too different creatures and will always have different interpretation, understanding for morals, feelings, laws and world's regulations.

Why are we convinced that the same God created us? How come that the blond, white, blue eyes male comes from the same factory where the coloured, dark skin, brown eyes female came? How come that a machine which produced curly dark hair would produce blond straight hair? What are the genes? Aren’t they what we inherit from those ppl who came first from the same factory of white male and coloured female?

Why Olmert who is as white as Abbas is considered white while Abbas is coloured? What makes Olmert more human than Abbas, and Wisman more respected than Arafat? Aren’t they products of the same factory? Who runs the factory? Who controls the production line? Who wrapped those products? Is it the wrapping which matters? And if they stood naked against each other would they become equal? Let’s have a 'naked' auction, no labels, no wrappings, no ribbons, no flags and no pre set prices, just naked participants, one condition- close the factory.


Friday, March 16, 2007

The wall is bigger and higher than what we think

I work for Right-to-enter campaign; I receive weekly tens of denied-entry cases, the campaign is doing a tremendous work to reach a clear law of who are allowed to enter and trying to facilitate it, I was reading Nadia’s story of her repetitive entry denial, she’s a Chilean- Palestinian woman, her only violation in the Israeli’s eyes is her will to live in this country- her country, Palestine, knowing that she followed the regulations and renewed her visa at the time of its expiration. This story is repeated over and over with all the Palestinians of foreign nationals.

Last week I was chaperoning a German delegation who are traveling across Palestine 67 and Palestine 48 in their attempt to write and publish a book about Palestine “journey to Jerusalem”, Laura- the coordinator of Right to education campaign at the university of Bier Zeit received us there, we had the chance to talk to students from different departments of the University, Ahmad talked about his experience on the check points and how hard it was to travel daily from Jenin to Bier Zeit, he ended up living in Bier Zeit- Ramallah, in the way to Bier Zeit-Ramallah the traveler should cross Za’tara check point, which controls the travelers from Nablus, Jineen and Tulkarem who are heading to Ramallah, this check point was a small crossing point with few soldiers checking the travelers IDs.

Recently the IOF are expanding the check point to become a big crossing point as the ones on boarders, Ahmed told me that the plan is to control not only the travelers but to issue permits to those who are residents of a certain city and heading to a different one, (e.g. Nablus residents should show the reasons of their visit to Ramallah to get a permit)!! While logically this procedure is not needed as Ramallah and Nablus are considered area A which makes them cities of the PA and cities of the same country- since when do citizens need a permit to visit a city in “their” country?

The last three days brought me different followed regulations which will be put in force in the Palestinian territories, Noemi- a Swiss friend who studies Arabic in Bier Zeit university was inquiring about the new interpretation of the CoGAT letter which organizes the entry to Israel “Palestine and Palestine 48”, what she was inquiring about is the visa or visiting permit that any visitor of a foreign national passport to the Palestinian Authority territories should apply to, in order to visit these territories, to find out that this regulation is applied only on Palestinians of foreign national..

The wall is bigger and higher than what we think, it lies on our chests and surrounds each and every Palestinian, whether he has the Palestinian ID or not, first the wall was constructed to separate the Palestinian state from the “Israeli” one, and now it’s expanding to separate the Palestinian state from the Palestinian state… and we submit!!

Where’s the Palestinian Authority from this? What solutions do they provide? What is the point of all negotiation attempts if we are the weak party?

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

I commited a crime

I committed a crime, crimes, but honestly I want to give up, I want!!

Monday, December 25, 2006

why do you keep leaving?



Do you remember when I apologized for leaving you behind?

Lana... why did you do that, why did you leave us behind now? You didn't give us the time to say goodbye, you gave us time only for grieving and sadness, I visited you yesterday; you were as beautiful as always... I didn't know what to say...

I just remembered how happy you were always, how much you loved life, that you like high heels, pink, Greece salad and you used to take away the black olives, pour dressing all over it and never eat it, that you love "secret crush".

You were sad sometimes and avoided people, now the people you avoid are wishing to see you even if you still prefer to avoid them.

Just come back, I would do any thing, anything to see smiling again... Lana


Monday, December 04, 2006

This will destroy my lungs one day

She asked me if I smoke.
"Yes, I do"

She asked me for a cigarette, I offered her one and my lighter, she left to the next door to smoke it, she said she doesn't smoke much but she feels like smoking.
"but it's not good and you have a hard cough" she added before she left the room.
"I know, but I am terribly sick".

Friday, December 01, 2006

my heart is aching for you

I went for a walk with my uncle and Yasmin, we walked all Rafeedia street, I didn’t walk in that street since 4 months or so, I was happy first to walk there again, many places changed, disappeared or replaced, new shops, restaurants and cafes.

We continued to the University street, the one I walked with him many times, it was a sweet memory first, then an awful one, here we walked, and we were together then, you were talking and I am listening, I jumped around you, and loved you there, I loved watching you next to me, longing to take my hand, but we can’t because it’s not accepted in this city, you were next to me and I couldn’t touch you or love you more.

Walking there brought me back to you, everything here drags me to you, reminds me of how much I loved you and how much I hurt you, I did hurt you, I was scared because I knew you will leave me and I was concerned about giving you to save my heart suffering after you do.

I passed by your house, I was there once, sorry, I didn’t love you as you deserve, my love was immature, shy and scared. Now and I know how to love you, how to treat you, but it’s too late, too late to love you again, cherish you, and make you as happy as I can and you want.

One thing I will never stop and regret, loving you endlessly.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Bayya3 el ward


Sa2alni beyya3 el ward: ba3du be7ebek ba3d? shu baddi 2ool.

Jawabtu la bayya3 el ward ba3du albi 3al wa3d w howe mash’3ool

Wada3ni w ra7 safar la la ma ra7 safar, bukra byerja3 aktar w aktar y2ademli wrood… 3ala tool

Nadahni be 3ez e layl, dakhlak 5aberni ya leel keef badi nam,

Hamasli men tani mayl raje3 ‘3anelek ya layl w hani el eyyam

Wada3ni w ra7 safar la la ma ra7 safar, bukra berja3 aktar aktar y2ademli wrood 3ala tool.

Sa2alni beyya3 el ward: ba3du be7ebek ba3d? shu baddi 2ool.

Jawabtu la bayya3 el ward ba3du albi 3al wa3d w howe mash’3ool

Wada3ni w ra7 safar la la ma ra7 safar, bukra byerja3 aktar w aktar y2ademli wrood… 3ala tool

I recived his e-mail

5 years now since I knew Ala, it was a strange meeting for a person who will be one of my closest friends for 5 years. We went through a lot together, success, failure, happiness, sadness, made same friends and shared same feelings, and above all same office and same program.

Zajel Youth Exchange Program, many participants came and left, we observed their success and their departure. We watched Zajel growing up together, Zajel was a part of me, a part you torn up from my heart, once I had a fight with a friend when he said: F… Zajel if it will touch my dignity!! I protest, I explained what is Zajel, Zajel is above all feelings, we don’t own zajel, zajel owns us, and we are all for it.

Zajel was an illusion, I gave Zajel all I could give, Zajel was my home, I only feels me there.

Ala you sent me a nasty e-mail, I read the nastiest thing ever, I was shocked, angry, disgust was dominating my feelings. I wanted to reply right away, I couldn’t, your e-mail left me speechless.

How could you blame me for choosing my freedom? All the claims in your e-mail are void and you know that, you were contradicting yourself and I am ashamed to say that you were negating all what you call for. Why?

That I went to Cairo? That I traveled to USA without your approval? That I left RC and was almost going back? Many things we discussed when we were in USA and you were giving me flipping answers.

One day will write you back, your e-mail will remain unanswered but one day I will write you back and you will see that you were mistaken dumping a friend. If you just remembered how close we were and how much did I support you and believed in you, you will understand, remember, no on e has no mistakes!

Monday, November 20, 2006

I am at yasmin’s house, she is writing her CV in Frensh and I am helping, she’s looking for a job, 4 months now since she got married, I miss her at the house, each room and each corner holds our memories, I can’t forget!! I can’t enjoy anything at the house any more.

She’s on the phone, her friend from Nablus called, I’m watching her, she’s a beautiful doll, I just love her endlessly, sometimes I feel she’s my daughter, the daughter I want to have and I will never have, maybe god gave her to me because I will never have this daughter.

I enjoy watching her moving around in her pretty house, doing the house work slowly, sitting on the dining table- tired. She gives me life, motive to survive and carry on.

Ian once told me it’s good for me that she will leave and marry Bashar, otherwise I won’t proceed in my life and leave the house.

Sunday, November 12, 2006

Ali writes for saddam

صبرك يا أسد وراك اشبال ....

وعيونك قلبي عليك مثل النار ....

عراقي وراح اخذلك الثار ....

مبروك عليك الشهاده ومبروك عليهم العار ....

يامن تحدى وصرخ بكل عزم واصرار ....

واسمك رفعته وجرى بدمي انهار ....

وخانوك وانت الوفى ياسيد الدار ....

وسموه تحرير والكل يدري احتلال ....

وين الوطن صفه كل يوم تروح اجيال ....

يابو عدي وقصي والله ونعم الرجال ....

لو مو مشنقه لو مليون حكم اعدام ....

تبقى الوطن ياصقر تبقى البطل صداااااااام ....


علي العبيدي

Saturday, November 11, 2006

do you understand this? it sounds like a stupid love!


Ah ba3ed e laiali wel ayyam men shou2i elik
Wallah ezay yhoon 3aleek kol shai2 felbu3d

Ah bashta2lak ya ‘3ali enta feen bandah 3aleek
Wallah wa7ashouni kteer 3enek ma32ool nseet el wa3d

Kan 7obbi leik be sneen b3ad w ‘3yab
W han albi 3aleek termeeh ben nar w 3azab

Erga3 leiya khlas mush ader 7abibi
Rud be ayy kalam law ader 7abibi

Walalh ba7ebu w hafdal a7ebu 7abibi
Arrab khali l bu3dak akher 7abibi

Ah ba3ed e layali wel ayyam men shu2i elaik
Wallah ezay yhoon 3aleek kol shai2 fel bu3d…

Fat ad eih wala youm edert ansak
W leeh e dunya leeh ya 7abibi b3eed wa5dak

Ana mush ader 3ala nesyanak 7abibi
Meen fe dunya 7ayemla makanak 7abibi

Wallah ba7ebu w hafdal a7ebu 7abibi
Nefsi arta7 been a7danak 7abibi

Ah ba3ed e layali Wel ayyam men shu2i elek
Wallah ezay yhoon 3aleek kol she2 fel bu3d!

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Exile


The panel was about exile, I enjoyed it, the presenter talked about a gay author exiled in and outside his country.
The third paper was boring I even don't remember what it was about, I walked out and many thoughts were burning in my head, I am exiled, at my country, house and even with my friends and the people I love.

I walked out and didn't know where to go; I can't leave the place of the panels, I have to stay for the next one, but I was exiled and have a strong will of escaping and being transparent, I don't want to be seen or see any one.

I found my self at the rest room, no one was there, all were in there panels, Marriot hotels rest room!! I stood there alone watching the walls; God knows what thoughts I had in mind then, all what I remember was you dominating my mind and thoughts- for the rest of my life you will because I loved you and I love you and I will always love you.

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

"ASYLUM FOR MANKIND"

Ever since the Age of Discovery, Europeans have viewed the New World as a haven for the victims of religious persecution and a dumping ground for social liabilities. Marilyn C. Baseler shows how the New World’s role as a refuge for the victims of political, as well as religious and economic, oppression gradually devolved on the thirteen colonies that became the United States. She traces immigration patterns and policies to show how the new American Republic became an “asylum for mankind.”
Baseler explains how British and colonial officials and landowners lured settlers from rival nations with promises of religious toleration, economic opportunity, and the “rights of Englishmen,” and identifies the liberties, disabilities, and benefits experienced by different immigrant groups. She also explains how the exploitation of slaves, who immigrated from Africa in chains, subsidized the living standards of Europeans who came by choice.American revolutionaries enthusiastically assumed the responsibility for serving as an asylum for the victims of political oppression, according to Baseler, but soon saw the need for a probationary period before granting citizenship to immigrants unexperienced in exercising and safeguarding republican liberty. Revolutionary Americans also tried to discourage the immigration of those who might jeopardize the nation’s republican future. Her work defines the historical context for current attempts by municipal, state, and federal governments to abridge the rights of aliens.

Reviews
"[W]ell researched. . . . Recommended for undergraduates and above."--Choice"Baseler's study of immigration policy will be sought out by historians and graduate students and is likely to stand as an authoritative treatment of the notion of American Asylum."--Journal of American History"Baseler skillfully weaves her close examination of British mercantile thought and American republican rhetoric into a detailed analysis of the immigration policies that shaped the settlement of early America. The result is a fresh account of the original debates on immigration's role in American society.
The book is suitable for graduate students and upper-level undergraduates, but should appeal to all readers interested in the origins of American immigration policy and the complex and contested images of the American asylum."--Philip Otterness, Perspectives on Political Science. Fall, 1999."[Baseler] addresses in thoughtful and persuasive ways the extent to which the promise of freedom and opportunity was realized in the lives of American immigrants. Complex motives and ambiguous effects constitute the fundamental theme of this balanced and comprehensive study...
This is a valuable, compelling, and highly recommended study."--James H. Kettner, University of California, Berkeley, The Annals of the American Academy. November, 1999."Richly documented, well written, and systematically argued, . . . Baseler's study of the colonial and revolutionary years offers new insights into America's role in the Atlantic world."--Nonald MacRaild, Immigrants and Minorities. March, 1999."This study establishes the primacy of the colonial period in laying the foundation for America's subsequent experience with immigration. . .
In dense and often fascinating detail, she locates the origin of the idea of America as asylum in seventeenth-century England."--American Historical Review. April, 2000."Asylum for Mankind succeeds admirably as a political and intellectual analysis of migration policy in Britain and the new American republic. It is a book that, in filling an interpretive gap, has also opened up a new range of questions about the initial populating of the United States."--James A. Henretta, University of Maryland. Journal of Social History, Fall 2000"[R]eaders will find this work valuable...The book is notable for its range, its assiduous references to recent scholarship, and its orientation to the Atlantic world...[T]hought-provoking."--Anita Tien.
William and Mary Quarterly, January 2001

About the Author
Marilyn C. Baseler is currently Assistant Professor of History at the University of Texas at Austin.

I damn you out of my shame

"You in my mortified soul, made your bed and domain, abhorrence, to whom I'm bound, as the convict to the chain, as the drunkard to the jug, as the gambler to the game, as the vermin to the corpse, I damn you out of my shame"
It tastes like shit, but I need it; I feel anger in my teeth and muscles, Someone rang the bell and waited a bit, he didn't move to open the door, the second rang was angry but he didn't move.
I feel like destroying something around me. This is the third cigarette in a row: it tastes good now.