It was Thursday 9 pm when Hani called me, started by apologizing for calling me that late, he said it’s urgent “look Yusra I’m sorry to call that late, but Asem passed away” I didn’t believe what he said, I repeated the same question many time: “are you sure? Are you at the hospital?”
He’s dead, still I can’t believe it, I called Ala’ to make sure, he was crying, I asked him to figure out how true is the news I received, I called Mira… no one told her, Ala sent her a message saying that Asem is in danger, I told her he’s dead.
She couldn’t believe, she said: “you are mistaken Ala’ said he’s just in danger.” I repeated what Hani told me many times without understanding what I’m saying, and then I kept calling all Zajel’s hoping that one of them tells me it’s fake. And messaging all the international friends who knew Asem: “Asem passed away”
Shawn was the first one to SMS me back.
I kept waiting a call to tell me that it was all a mistake and he’s alive. No one did yet.
I cried and paused and waited and discussed, I couldn’t sleep.
Ian sent me a message: “very sad…what can we say? What can we know? Who next? It could be us. This alone is reason enough to fight sadness with all our strength.”
I always liked your words, and how you evaluate and describe things, but this time your words were pale and week, less than the situation, or the situation was bigger than words.
What sadness? That I lost Asem, I just want him back I don’t want to fight any thing, I just want Asem back, I want Luai back, he’s mine I can’t see him with any one else, how can I fight sadness and I lost you-Ian!!!
10, 11, 12, 1. 2 was the last number I read on my watch. I think I fill asleep, at 4 I woke up again, I called Luai, the phone rang four times, it seems he’s asleep, I hanged up, seconds later he called, he said he wasn’t asleep, I told him, he never heard of Asem he didn’t know what to say, I told him I’m going to Hebron, he said: I might get engaged. I paused, my voice changed, he felt what is inside, I protested, refused to believe, asked him to repeat it many times, and then it’s true.
I asked “why?”
He said: I’m bored”
“Then go for a walk!”
I’m going crazy, “I don’t care I said, go marry her”, I lied, he knew.
“You are the first thing I told her about”
“What did you tell her?”
“Every thing”
“What did she say?”
“Nothing!”
I know we are in love-more than in love, I know I wasn’t better than him, I know that I want him and he wants me, I know that I breathe his love, I know that I can’t survive if he’s not on the same surface with me.
He’s not mine now but Asem is dead, he said cry, I said: “ma beddi, ana bedi Asem back”, it was a nice night with two deep injuries, and I was bleeding.
We talked and talked, we revised all our memories, he asked me to send him a kiss, I refused, he asked me again, I did, many strange feelings.
He questioned me about Ian, he wanted to know all the details of the relation we had, I did, I answered all his questions unconsciously, and I asked him: “why are you doing this? It’s not funny!!”
“I want to know”
“You are making all the beautiful memories I have with him seem ugly, I don’t want to continue this”
He responded.
Mean while I said “have to hang up the phone I must get ready, I’m going to Hebron in an hour” he begged me “don’t go, too dangerous”, I said “no I want to go”
I lied; I told him its work, while it was a choice.
“Take care” he said.
In my way to Hebron, in the bus, they are all talking, shouting and singing, I and Ala are messaging
“I’m at the hospital, we will burry him today”
“Are you sure he’s dead? Please find out and tell me, his smiley face still in my mind”
“He’s cold, I’m in the morgue, I kissed him, and he’s cold, once we had a friend called Asem”
I cried silently.
“We are walking towards Hwara check point to bury him in his Village”
“Why? Don’t!!! he would be alone there, all his friends and family are here”
“This is his family will”
“The Israelis stopped us, they detained his brothers”
“Still detained? Tell me? Did they let you pass?”
“We crossed Hwara, we are heading to his village”
A while later, Jalal called, he was crying, I also asked him again if Asem is dead, I asked him to pass him my salam and that I missed him already.
I cried again silently, I was sitting by the window, turned my face to face the window, we were entering Hebron then, at its checkpoint, a soldier was staring at me, and I stared back; crying.
Tomorrow we will go to Ramallah-five day’s course, Mira, Ala and me, Ala doesn’t want to come, Mira is not sure, me and Mira decided to go later, we can share the pain, we did.
At the Red Crescent car I saw Ala standing in a long queue to reach the soldier on Hwara check point, Mira is a head in the women queue, I passed, I arrived to Ramallah at 9:20, the course started at 9, I went to the bank, to withdraw money, the system is changed, come tomorrow, I went to the seminar at Best Eastern hotel.
The day was good, Mira was there already, Ala arrived an hour and a half late, and he messaged me earlier that if he could make it to the seminar before the day ends he will take me the national arts center.
Mira left after the seminar-at four to Nablus, me and Ala went to visit some cultural places, we talked about many things, Asem, theatre, memories, school, friends, love, relations and family.
We called Seif, he was at the net café, we met him there, at 9 An-najah National University radio is playing a program were they talked about many things and Asem, Saed’s speech on his grave…he was crying, I listened to the speech, I was talking to Luai, he did my test he just got five correct answers, I emailed him earlier that you missed five however I want to shout: Ba7ebak.
He said: shout!!!
“Ma bedi”
“Why”
“Because no one cares for my feelings, you all walk away”
He protested: “you lost a lot but make sure you will never lose me”
we left at ten, we had a walk, then to the hotel, each in his room alone, Ala sent me a message we kept sending back and forth for a while, I watched Friends, while watching I called Luai, I said some crazy stuff, I don’t remember every thing, I just remember I wished he’s next to me, holding me till I fall asleep. We kept talking till the duration of my credit.
The next 4 days were good, we agreed that Asem is not dead, his body was dead since long time but his soul is not, he did things can be done by a 60 years old person, when he’s 60 I will say he’s dead.
And this how it’s going now, we some times laugh when talking about him.
At 11 I sent Ian a birthday message, he’s 34, I still remember how busy was that week last year, still remember each word said, each look we exchanged, all the feelings we had, he sms me back around 2 I think.
Luai called me at the last night in Ramallah, it was 2am I think, we talked and talked, I felt much better, 5 days ago I had 2 injuries, and at that night both were healed, Luai is back and mine again even if he got married, we will never split and even if I did we will never split, Mira was awake, she heard a part of our talk.
After these 5 days I realized that we lose to gain, we lose people to meet new ones, we were 20 persons at that seminar, 5 of them looked like famous characters:
Mohammed= Sa’d al hareri
Muna= Condoleezza rays
Mutasem= Simpsons
Maha= Opera
Tahani= Mary Slayman
So opened and nice people, still Asem is not around and Luai is getting involved with another woman, Ian is walking away, Mira is closer, Ala can be sensitive and romantic sometimes, still waiting a message that Asem is alive, I revealed many things to her of last year.
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